Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Biggest Mistake Parents Make

“Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways.” – Proverbs 20:30 (GNT)

The biggest mistake parents make is so much easier to see in other parents than in ourselves.

A few weeks ago I had a meeting with a mom and her kids. We were talking about baptism and whether or not they were ready to get baptized. At the end of our talk I asked the kids if it would be OK for me to talk to their mom outside for a minute.

We stepped out of my office and I told mom that, based on our conversation, I thought it would be a good for us to wait to have her kids get baptized until they were ready. I explained that by ready I meant that they understood what baptism is and they wanted to do it, that it wasn’t something she or I forced on them, but that it becomes something they get and chose to do on their own.

Their mom agreed, but then said this:

“I know that’s the right thing to do, but I don’t want to do it because telling them no will hurt their feelings.”

And that’s the biggest mistake I see a lot of parents make: not wanting to hurt their child’s feelings.

I’ve been in Children’s Ministry, working with parents for fifteen years. I’ve heard parents say this hundreds of times. And this kind of statement is always followed up by something like:

“Because I just love my kids so much,”

Or

“When you’re a parent, you’ll understand.”

Now that I am a parent I do understand. As a dad of course I don’t enjoy when my daughter hurts. No good parent does.

But there’s a false assumption we parents have about pain: that it is always a bad thing, when it fact it can be a good thing. Pain is more than a reminder we are still alive, that we have not grown numb to the world and to life and being a live. Pain is an indicator something isn’t right. It is a road sign along the path we are traveling that says, “Something is wrong up ahead. Don’t go this way. It’s not good for you.” And we must learn to listen to pain because it is good.

My daughter is three weeks old. Before I put her to bed I change her out of her clothes into her pajamas. I do this every night. And every night she cries and screams until I’m done. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable. Even babies get change is hard. But it’s for her own good.

As parents we need to get comfortable with our kids being uncomfortable sometimes.

What is best for my daughter is not always what is going to make her happy. She probably wouldn’t mind staying in the same outfit forever. But as the day goes on it slowly gets formula and pee stains on it. When that happens, it’s time to change. The pain associated from moving her around makes her uncomfortable for a short time, but once she has clean clothes on and a fresh binky in her mouth the pain is gone. What was wrong has been made right.

Choosing a child’s comfort over their character is never a good idea. It’s selfish not to do what you know is right because your child won’t like it. That’s how babies turn into spoiled children. That’s how spoiled children turn into entitled teenagers. And, if you’re not careful, that’s how entitled teenagers become jerks as an adult.

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Parenting Thoughts From a Two-Week Old Dad

As many of you know my wife and I are in the adoption process and were recently placed with a beautiful newborn baby girl. We’re a whole two weeks into parenting and absolutely loving it.

As I ponder this new milestone in our lives I began to wonder how to sum up everything I’ve learned and felt over the last two weeks:

Should I make a collage in my dream journal?
Maybe, but I would have to have a dream journal in order to do that. Since I am neither 13yrs old nor a girl, that seems pretty unlikely.

What about writing a song?
Definitely do-able. I spent a semester abroad studying music at the New England Conservatory and this would be a great way to put that experience to practical use. The only problem is Sarah would never allow me to play my kazoo out in public or in private at home. Or even think about it in my head.

Do I boil all of my parenting wisdom down to a cheap, David Letterman-esque, Top Ten list?
Yes, that is it. That’s the answer.

So, for the dozens of you who tune in to read my blog, here are my Top 10 thoughts on parenting from a two-week old dad:

1. Are baby bouncers supposed to soothe a baby to sleep by making a ratcheting sound that pounds into your skull and haunts your waking dreams? If so, than ours is working perfectly. Right now it sounds like a descent of woodpeckers laying siege to that tree the Keebler Elves make all their cookies in.

2. A part of me was a little worried I might not love Angela as much as a biologically child. I was dead wrong. I love her more than anything else in the world. I could not love anyone or anything more than I love my baby girl!

3. When wrapped correctly in a swaddling blanket (“swaddling blanket” being a nice way of saying “baby straight jacket”) infants resemble a human Chipotle burrito.

4. I promised myself I would not be that dad who takes pictures of his kid every time they make the slightest movement (even when it’s to release their bowels). I was wrong about that too. I’ve already maxed out the space on my iPhone. iCloud came just in the nick of time. Thanks Apple!

5. I’m not sure if this is characteristic of most newborns, but Angela has old lady hands. Seriously, it’s like she has the hands of a slightly less-ancient Betty White. Hopefully she will grow into her skin.

6. The first day back to work was hard. I consistently like what I get to do for a living, but it was tough to focus with my two girls at home. It doesn’t help when my wife texts me every 5 minutes with another moment from my daughter’s life I missed. Makes me treasure the ones I’m there for all the more.

7. I’ve come to the realization my parents love my daughter more than they love me. This is difficult. I will mourn the loss of their affection and the surplus of Christmas gifts that will now go to Angela instead of me.

8. My wife has never looked more radiant than when I see her holding my daughter. Have I mentioned how much I love my girls? I love my girls more than anything in the Solar System!

9. My baby’s head is too small for hats. Every time I try to put one on her it immediately drops over her eyes. On the plus side this has helped Angie to perfect her Donald impersonation from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

10. As much as I can’t wait to see the person Angie is going to become, I’m enjoying all of the little moments with her now as a baby. Here is Sarah and my’s parenting prayer from Psalm 101:2 (TLB): “I will try to walk a blameless path, but how I need your help, especially in my own home, where I long to act as I should.”

What tips do you have for this two-week-old dad?

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3 Free Tools to Transform You Into an Organizational Ninja

I love organizing. I am one of those weirdos who relishes every opportunity to visit Office Max and Staples. If my stapler’s not consistently at a 90 degree angle, I can sense it from 10 miles away and won’t get anything done till it’s corrected.

Over the years I’ve found a few resources which have helped me bring order to the chaos of life, ministry, and leadership. Hopefully these tools will be helpful to you too:

Remember the Milk
Great service. I talk more about it here, but in a nutshell RTM helps you remember everything (including the milk). It includes functionality to allow you to group tasks by roles, context, projects; pretty much every conceivable way. It has recurring tasks so you don’t have to keep entering the same tasks in again and again. It’ll send you text reminders to your phone and email. I use this every day to keep tabs on all my projects and tasks.

Evernote
I use Evernote to keep track of all my ideas. Simply create a notebook (ie Gift Ideas, Leadership Development, Parenting Tips, etc.) and create a note for each idea that fits in that topic. Evernote is also great because you can upload pictures, video, and audio files to it. I’ll often take snapshots of items my wife likes while we’re shopping and file them under my Gift Ideas notebook. The, whenever I need an idea of something to buy I’ve got a stockpile of things I know she’ll love.

Google docs, calendar, and iGoogle
Google is slowly taking over the world, and I’m OK with it. Google Docs is basically Microsoft Word online for free. With it you never have to worry about forgetting a document on another device because it’s accessible to you from anywhere. Same with Google Calendar. iGoogle is cool because you can create a homepage where all your favorite websites (Remember the Milk, Evernote, Google Calendar & Docs, Facebook, Twitter, RSS feeds, the News, etc.) are all stored one easy to use page. It keeps everything clear and together for easy access and retrieval.

Of course my favorite aspect of each of these services is their price: $0. They work on all platforms, they’re mobile, they integrate together, and are super easy to use. Check them out if you’re interested in becoming more coordinated in your task management or are ready to get your black belt in organizational ninjitsu.

What resources have you found that have helped you become more organized?

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Why Your Words Matter

“Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” – Proverbs 18:21 (Msg)

Words are powerful.

Over the last year I’ve been working hard to lose weight and get into shape. So far I’ve lost 59lbs. It has been one of the most concentrated, brutal, and fulfilling experiences of my entire life. Many in my life have been very encouraging of my progress with comments like:

“Dude, you look so great!”

“Seriously! What are you doing, skinny?!”

“You look awesome!!! What an inspiration!”

But others have not been so supportive:

“That’s a great start. Just between us, though, you probably still need to lose another 30-40lbs. Just sayin’.”

“I wouldn’t throw away my fat clothes if I were you. You’ll probably gain most of that back.”

“Your face doesn’t look as oily or greasy, but you still have a lot of belly fat. Maybe if you work harder you’d look better.”

“59lbs, really? You still seem pretty husky to me.”

“I don’t think you’ve lost that much weight.”

“It’s too bad you had to lose that much weight. Gluttony is just as much of a sin as murder in the eyes of the Lord. I’ll be praying you don’t go back to your old sinful ways.”

Here’s what I realized about the power of words:

As much as I remember the compliments, I remember the criticisms so much more.

From the looks of it I remember them more by a ratio of 2:1. Probably because they cut twice as deep, like Crocodile Dundee’s knife in the jawbone of an australian saltwater croc. It’s sad this is true about me. It’s even more sad this is true of most people I think. We  hurt each other so much.

What we say to people matters. I’m culpable of having spoken hurtful words to people. Most on accident, but some on purpose. We’ve all been there. I think the key is to make sure our compliments outweigh our criticisms by at least 2:1 (or more). That’s the kind of math everybody can get behind.

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This Sentence Will Help You Refocus When Your Priorities Are Out of Whack

Everything you will ever need to learn about time management you can learn from Wayne Cordeiro and Zach Morris.

Allow me to explain.

One of the things Zach is known for, besides having a cell phone thick enough to use as a weapon to bludgeon a would be thief, breaking the 4th wall, and being awesome was his ability to freeze time. Whenever things got too tense on Saved By The Bell (which is a sentence I never thought I’d write) Zach would simply call “Time out!” and everything would stop.

This is the first step in refocusing when your priorities are out of whack: take a time out.

Wayne, on the other hand, taught me about the most important 5 percent:

“But 5 percent of what I do, only I can do! This the most important 5 percent for me. I can’t delegate these initiatives to anyone else. I can’t hire someone else to take my place in any of these activities because they require that I be there? This 5 percent will determine the validity of the other 95 percent. This is what I had to discover and make as the epicenter of my life.”
- Wayne Cordeiro. Leading on Empty: Refilling Your Tank and Renewing Your Passion (p. 78).

That is the second step in refocusing when your priorities are out of whack: know your 5 percent.

When you put the two steps together you get the sentence that will help you refocus when your priorities are out of whack:

There are 1000s of people who can be [insert your job] but only I can [insert your 5 percent].

Here’s a few examples of what that might look like:

There are 1000s of people who can be the Children’s Pastor at High Desert Church but only I can be Sarah’s husband.

There are 1000s of people who can be the Children’s Pastor at High Desert Church but only I can control how close I am to God right now.

There are 1000s of people who can be the Children’s Pastor at High Desert Church but only I can exercise and eat right to maintain my health.

There are 1000s of people who can be the Children’s Pastor at High Desert Church but only I can enjoy my life.

Tip: The more you can put someone you care about into your sentences, the more meaningful they will be to you.

These are my most important 5 percent. These are the things only I can do for me. I can’t delegate them to anyone else. This is what I come back to whenever I forget what’s most important.

The next time you’re feeling stressed or your losing what’s most important take a tip from Zach Morris and Wayne Cordeiro: Call a time out and remember your 5 percent.

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