On Monday I turned 30. To celebrate I decided to write down 30 big lessons that I’ve learned about life and Children’s Ministry. You can click these links to read Part 1 and Part 2. So, to wrap up this series here are lessons 21-30 of “30 Things I’ve Learned At 30″ (yes, unfortunately, some of these are from my actual real life experiences):

21. The word “fun” should not be in the word “fundraising.” It’s never fun to get kids to sell baked goods, wash cars, or go door-to-door peddling cheap Oriental Trading knock-off trinkets to their neighbors in order to raise money for whatever your senior pastor has mandated you to conscript child-labor for. I always feel like a bad Sally Struthers commercial from the 90′s whenever I’ve been forced to do this.

22. Always triple check that science experiment you’re going to use as an object lesson. If you don’t, you could get the formulas mixed up and instead of turning the water from “Lost” monster black to Holy Spirit clear, symbolizing Jesus’ forgiveness of sins, it’ll end up turning apple juice amber. Then little Billy will blame you saying that God won’t forgive him of all of his sins. That’s not the message you want to convey to children on Easter Sunday. Trust me. It’ll also hurt your chances of every speaking in “Big Church.”

23. There will always be that one parent who doesn’t like you and the feeling will probably be mutual. At some point you will both agree to a mutual détente. They’ll chat with you about things like the weather, the election that happened two years ago, and Kanye West’s latest outburst; but that’s about as deep as it’s gonna get. If they want to take serious issue with you, like how you don’t use enough flannel graph in your teaching, why you refused to accept their generous gift of the “Kids’ Klassic Bible Stories” on Betamax, or when their kids have too much fun at church, they’ll just go to your boss about that. Your boss will tell you that the parent chooses to remain anonymous but you know who it is. This is to protect the entire church from the mutually assured destruction that would ensue should the two of you actually tell each other how you REALLY feel.

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Yesterday I turned 30. To help all of us celebrate the anniversary of my umbilical cord separation, I decided to write down 30 big lessons that I’ve learned about life and Children’s Ministry (click here to read 1 – 10). So here are lessons 11 – 20 of “30 Things I’ve Learned At 30″ (yes, unfortunately, some of these are from my actual real life experiences):

11. Always have at least one pair of unisex clothes for a child to change in to. You never know when a kid may pee their pants right in the middle of your preteen worship set and stand there awkwardly in the dark until one of your leaders comes to the rescue (5 minutes later). It’s a major downer on the rest of your night. This principle can also be applied to old people.

12. Never confirm or deny the existence of Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, or any other mythical being that brings gifts to children. Don’t even joke about it when you think they are out of range. I guarantee you that some kid WILL hear it and tell their mom on you. From then on they will simply refer to you as the Santa-Slayer.

13. Never confirm or deny the existence of Pet Heaven. It’s a theological sticking-ground that is best left alone. It will only crush the kid whose pet hamster Gilligan has just died. You want to be careful of that because chances are good that he is also the same kid that you just ruined Christmas for by telling him that there’s no creepy old guy breaking into his house at night to eat his cookies and leave him presents after watching his every move all year-long (AKA Santa Clause). You also don’t want to give any more ammo to that one kid who delights in tying cats together by their tails and hanging them on a clothes line. He is need of some serious psychiatric help that no one at the church is qualified to give.

14. Peanut Butter is like kid kryptonite. Too many kids are allergic and it’s better to just stay away from it altogether, unless you really like taking trips to the ER and explaining to parents why you let their kid’s face blow up like Bloat in “Finding Nemo.”

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