On Monday I turned 30. To celebrate I decided to write down 30 big lessons that I’ve learned about life and Children’s Ministry. You can click these links to read Part 1 and Part 2. So, to wrap up this series here are lessons 21-30 of “30 Things I’ve Learned At 30″ (yes, unfortunately, some of these are from my actual real life experiences):
21. The word “fun” should not be in the word “fundraising.” It’s never fun to get kids to sell baked goods, wash cars, or go door-to-door peddling cheap Oriental Trading knock-off trinkets to their neighbors in order to raise money for whatever your senior pastor has mandated you to conscript child-labor for. I always feel like a bad Sally Struthers commercial from the 90′s whenever I’ve been forced to do this.
22. Always triple check that science experiment you’re going to use as an object lesson. If you don’t, you could get the formulas mixed up and instead of turning the water from “Lost” monster black to Holy Spirit clear, symbolizing Jesus’ forgiveness of sins, it’ll end up turning apple juice amber. Then little Billy will blame you saying that God won’t forgive him of all of his sins. That’s not the message you want to convey to children on Easter Sunday. Trust me. It’ll also hurt your chances of every speaking in “Big Church.”
23. There will always be that one parent who doesn’t like you and the feeling will probably be mutual. At some point you will both agree to a mutual détente. They’ll chat with you about things like the weather, the election that happened two years ago, and Kanye West’s latest outburst; but that’s about as deep as it’s gonna get. If they want to take serious issue with you, like how you don’t use enough flannel graph in your teaching, why you refused to accept their generous gift of the “Kids’ Klassic Bible Stories” on Betamax, or when their kids have too much fun at church, they’ll just go to your boss about that. Your boss will tell you that the parent chooses to remain anonymous but you know who it is. This is to protect the entire church from the mutually assured destruction that would ensue should the two of you actually tell each other how you REALLY feel.
24. There will always be that one volunteer who wants to be your best friend. Whenever they want to take you to the latest Carmen concert just smile and say that you wish you could but unfortunately, because the church is so tight on money right now, you had to take that second job as a mailman. When asked why you have to deliver mail on Sunday, just look puzzled and say, “That’s a good point! I should really talk to my branch office superintendent about that one. Until then, these fruit cakes aren’t going to deliver themselves!”
25. It never hurts to double-check with parents to make sure that their kids have their medicine BEFORE you leave for camp. It’s no fun for anyone to find out that your ADHD kids didn’t bring ANY of their medicine to camp on the bus ride up. It just makes the week that much longer for their counselor and cabin. The bright side is that this information does give you the insight you needed to make those last-minute cabin assignment changes so that they end up with just the right counselor…who is not you.
26. Don’t dis the new Christian movie out for kids, even if it’s lame. This is akin to saying that the Baby Jesus was not cute to many Christian parents. You’re better off saying that you listen to rap (AKA “the devil’s music”) then expounding on why you think that Bob the Tomato isn’t funny anymore. This is an article of the détente that I mentioned above in #23.
27. Consider permission slips like the Golden Tickets of any trip that you take kids on: no one goes without one. They are worth every agonizing second spent to get the wording just right so as to absolve you and your ministry of any legal or moral obligation if little Johnny gets so much as a scratch on him. Eject any kid off the bus that doesn’t have one completely filled out and signed by their parents like Willy Wonka kicked those four annoying kids outta the factory, oompa loompa style!
28. Silly dancing and hand motions are a part of Children’s Ministry. Get used to it. It’s embarrassing for every adult involved, especially if you’re a guy. It could be worse men – at least we don’t have to change diapers!
29. Killing a beloved program can feel like putting Fido to sleep and making the kids watch to some members of your church. They will never forgive you for putting the kibosh on their beloved program. It will scar them for life, like that time Optimus Prime died in the original “Transformers: The Movie” movie from the 80′s (yes, there is a “Transformers” movie that Michael Bay had nothing to do with. True story.) That’s OK. If Jesus couldn’t get everyone to like everything that He did, why do you think that you can?
30. Puppets can be just as scary to kids as Freddy Krueger. Take a look at this and tell me that you’re not scared even a little bit.
Fill up the comment section below with some of the big lessons (be they silly or serious) that have added value to your life.
–Jeff
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