Yesterday I turned 30. To help all of us celebrate the anniversary of my umbilical cord separation, I decided to write down 30 big lessons that I’ve learned about life and Children’s Ministry (click here to read 1 – 10). So here are lessons 11 – 20 of “30 Things I’ve Learned At 30″ (yes, unfortunately, some of these are from my actual real life experiences):

11. Always have at least one pair of unisex clothes for a child to change in to. You never know when a kid may pee their pants right in the middle of your preteen worship set and stand there awkwardly in the dark until one of your leaders comes to the rescue (5 minutes later). It’s a major downer on the rest of your night. This principle can also be applied to old people.

12. Never confirm or deny the existence of Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, or any other mythical being that brings gifts to children. Don’t even joke about it when you think they are out of range. I guarantee you that some kid WILL hear it and tell their mom on you. From then on they will simply refer to you as the Santa-Slayer.

13. Never confirm or deny the existence of Pet Heaven. It’s a theological sticking-ground that is best left alone. It will only crush the kid whose pet hamster Gilligan has just died. You want to be careful of that because chances are good that he is also the same kid that you just ruined Christmas for by telling him that there’s no creepy old guy breaking into his house at night to eat his cookies and leave him presents after watching his every move all year-long (AKA Santa Clause). You also don’t want to give any more ammo to that one kid who delights in tying cats together by their tails and hanging them on a clothes line. He is need of some serious psychiatric help that no one at the church is qualified to give.

14. Peanut Butter is like kid kryptonite. Too many kids are allergic and it’s better to just stay away from it altogether, unless you really like taking trips to the ER and explaining to parents why you let their kid’s face blow up like Bloat in “Finding Nemo.”

15. If you are a guy in Children’s Ministry, at some point you will be asked to be in a dunk tank, dress up like a clown, some ridiculous anthropomorphic creature, or all of the above. As far as dressing up as a mascot or whatever weird thing the church wants you to demean yourself in, make sure that you order it a size too small so that when you get called out about it from the poor sap that got roped into doing your dirty work you can just say, “I’m too tall, otherwise I would TOTALLY do it!” There’s no getting out of the dunk tank. You’ll have to do it at least once in your ministry career.

16. Stay away from saying anything against home-schooling. Not since Paul called out Peter in Galatians 2:11 or the “Harry Potter” books first came out has their been such a divisive issue in the church. Enough said.

17. You will look like a jerk if you beat a kid at any game. The implied rule is that kids are supposed to always win so as not to hurt their self-esteem. While some view this as building confidence, I sometimes see it as enabling mediocrity. When no one is looking, I will occasionally dominate a kid at connect four or uno. Now this may sound cruel to some, but it’s not meant to be. It’s simply a teachable moment about humility and submitting to authority. You’re welcome, Billy!

18. Always preview movie clips before you show them in your lesson. Just because your movie clips book says that it’s all right doesn’t mean that you should go with it like the idea came straight from the mouth of the Angel Gabriel. There may be a really weird reference about a girl transitioning into womanhood that opens up the floodgates to laughter from your boys, embarrassment from your girls, and awkward apologies that you have to make to parents for the uncomfortable conversations that they now have to have with their kids on the drive home from church all because you didn’t do your homework.

19. Sunday brunch is pretty much out. You’re working and by the time you get there brunch has officially become lunch. On those rare weekends that you do have off go to town on that pizza, California omelette, and BBQ chicken. Just make sure that you don’t brunch too close to the church so that people don’t think your playing hooky. They won’t be too encouraged to fund your salary via tithing when they think you’re pulling a Ferris Bueller just so that you can have pancakes and german chocolate cake on the same plate like they tell their kids not to do.

20. Don’t lock your keys in the church van, especially when you are the one driving. Your passengers will be really ticked and never let you live it down.

Look for lessons 21 – 30 of “30 things I’ve learned at 30″ on Thursday. In the meantime, fill up the comment section below with some of the big lessons (be they silly or serious) that have added value to your life.

–Jeff

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